5. Learning to Choose

In keeping with their very opposite personalities, the waning weeks of summer could not have unfolded more differently for Mary and Cassie. For Mary’s part, the drive back to Frostburg from the funeral was liberating.

With all four windows wide open and the car radio blaring, Mary sang until her throat became hoarse. Careening toward home, she thought about Cassie starting twelfth grade, and this reminded her of her journey to where she now found herself.

Even before winter break of 12^th grade, Mary found herself dreaming of the day she could leave Havre de Grace. She had heard about Frostburg from a friend and liked the fact that it was three hours away. Close enough for emergencies; far enough for independence, she reasoned.

She was counting the days until graduation, planning to bolt the very next morning. But life has a way of upending our best-laid plans. Rae had been getting increasingly worse over the summer of 1987. When graduation finally came, Mary could not bring herself to up and leave her mom behind. She sensed that it wouldn’t be much longer, so she decided to stay. Rae died five months later, in November, at the Thanksgiving table.

Mary had moved to Frostburg in January 1988 and landed a job with Walmart a month later. After planting her feet solidly, she started her first trimester at Frostburg College in September. Mary found a workable balance between school, work, and home life, and was able to get both Fall and Winter Trimesters under her belt. She was three-fourths of the way through the Summer Trimester when she got the call about her dad.

And now Mary was back in Frostburg, to pick up where she left off. She caught a glimpse of the neon billboard flashing: July 8, 1989, 8:22 pm, Temp 78 degrees. She arrived to find her apartment just as she had hastily left it. There were piles of clothes to wash, dirty dishes in the sink, and trash cans overflowing. It took a few days and nights to get her stuff together. Soon, life was back to its prior normal.

Which meant that loneliness was settling in. Big time! Mary then did what she always did when the emptiness closed in on her. She went to her favorite watering holes to drown in self-pity. After a few hours, a young man was making moves on her. She would later dub Trent as ‘Loser #1.’ They began dating – or, hooking up, to use contemporary lingo – on August 1^st. By December 20^th, he was history. Goodbye, Loser #1.

For Cassie’s part, having firmly committed to finishing high school, the remaining few weeks of summer were dedicated to getting ready for the impending school year … and a life on her own. She started exercising. She shopped for school clothes and supplies. She completed the necessary paperwork and got her driver’s license.

Cassie welcomed Aunt Ruth into the main house so she wouldn’t have to climb the garage stairs anymore. It was time to return the love, by taking care of Aunt Ruth as she had done for Mary and herself, for so long.

Cassie also made time to pay social visits to the community. She dropped in to see Father Mac a few times. She even visited Ms. Phillips at her house. She stopped by to check on Selma, Aunt Ruth’s mother, who was now living at Graceful Pines.

She had two meetings with Max Weinstein concerning the Revocable Trust that her dad had established back when his brain was still firing on all eight cylinders. She learned that Ed had established a complicated arrangement concerning the Strawberry Lane house.

It would be gifted to St. Patrick’s church to be run as a safe house for women and children suffering from physical abuse. Ed had even arranged with his police buddies to provide nightly security at the house, the Trust paying for off-duty guards.

What made the Trust so unique was that neither Mary nor Cassie would become trustees until their 25^th birthdays. Until then, Max Weinstein was the sole trustee once Rae and Ed had passed. Among the terms of the house’s transfer to the Church was a requirement that the garage apartment always remain vacant, set aside for either Mary or Cassie (and their children) to live, rent-free. The only condition imposed was this arrangement was that there could not be any male partners living in the apartment with them.

“Your dad’s secondary concern, however,” Max explained in confidence to Cassie, “was for your sister. He feared that Mary might become the victim of domestic violence herself, and he wanted a place for her to find sanctuary. He figured, if she didn’t need the protection of the venue, she would nonetheless be near those, in the main house, who did. Perhaps such exposure might sober and mature her. That was your dad’s thinking. But let’s keep that between ourselves, shall we?”

Twelfth grade started in September and Cassie was proud to pull up with her dad’s 1987 Ford Escort. While there were whispers by some kids sitting along the wall that bordered the property, Cassie’s closest friends rushed to greet her as she grabbed her backpack and locked the car door.

Her final year of high school went uneventfully for Cassie. With full focus on her studies, her grades dramatically improved. She joined the drama club and enjoyed singing in the church choir. On June 7^th, 1990, Cassie graduated high school – with honors!

Back in Frostburg, Mary welcomed February 1990 with the introduction of Loser #2. Baxter only lasted three months. He was kicked out on May 12^th, and the day following his heated departure Mary spoke with Cassie by phone and invited her to move to Frostburg. Perhaps, the gesture was a subconscious effort to force herself into weaning off of men.

Actually, it had been Cassie who called Mary, to tell her about the conversation with Max Weinstein and their dad’s plans for the main house. Mary took the news in stride, as if something else was on her mind. By the call’s end, that something became clear.

“Move to Frostburg. Move in with me, Beebs. It’ll be fun. I have a two-bedroom apartment and we can do whatever we want. You can enroll at Frostburg. You still want to major in business school?” Cassie needed time to think about this offer. While it sounded practical on the one hand, it was waving all sorts of red flags with the other hand.

The invite had been backburnered until after graduation. But once things settled down, Cassie could no longer avoid the decision. She played back the various advice she had received, from the Village Visitors, from Aunt Ruth, from Selma, from Ms. Phillips, from Father Mac, and even from Mr. Weinstein. Still, she wasn’t sure what to do.

June 15^th was a Friday, and Father McMurphy would surely be busy preparing for Sunday services. Still, as always, he found time for his adopted daughter, as he privately thought of her.

Cassie always felt comforted in the Father’s private study. Encased in ceiling-high bookcases and walls covered in rich mahogany paneling, the dim lighting provided by faux candlelight made for the perfect setting to confess one’s soul.

“Reports from the community are that you are getting stronger and stronger. Congratulations on graduating high school. A formidable accomplishment. And you look good, my child. But looks can be deceiving, can’t they?” He waited for her to assume the conversation’s lead.

“Well, first, thank you for seeing me. I miss you – if that is okay to say,” she said sheepishly. He smiled with approval. “You might be surprised to learn that what troubles me is something of a philosophical question.”

“Those are my favorites,” he responded. “Fire away!”

“Well, I’m struggling between caring for others and caring for myself. I’m not sure what to do.”

“Does this have to do with Mary’s invitation to join her in Frostburg?” It never ceased to amaze Cassie at how connected the Havre de Grace community truly was.

Cassie began by describing her discussion with Aunt Ruth. About balancing heart and brain. About how her challenge was to step up the heart part and cut back on the brain part. To not approach every decision so cerebrally. “If I listen to my heart, I want to be with my sister. Not just for her sake, but for my own as well. On the other hand, my brain remembers past history, and that Mary and I are like oil and water most of the time.” She hesitated. “I don’t think we’d last a month.”

Father Mac waited for her to complete her thoughts, which protracted silence suggested had just happened. “Well, balancing heart and brain is good advice, to be sure. But there is a third factor to consider. The one that makes the balancing healthy, not dangerous.”

“What’s that?” Cassie asked, with obvious surprise on her face.

“Why, it’s your soul. It’s that voice in your head. Most people call it their conscience. But that voice that comes to you when you are mentally silent when your brain is taking a nap – well, that is your soul talking to you.”

He watched her reaction. “Did you know that it emits as a vibration? But your heart knows how to interpret those vibrations and convert them into useful emotions.”

“What kind of emotions?”

“Why, the ones put out by your conscience.”

“My conscience?”

“Your conscience is the voice of God, whispering to you, dear child. Do you know that God lives within you? Within each of us?”

“I do believe this, Father.”

“The thing to know – and not just believe – is that God needs us. He needs you and me. That’s the big mistake people make when they pray. They structure their prayers as requests … for something that they want from God. If only they understood that God needs them, their prayers would begin, ‘What can I do for you, dear God?’ Now, wouldn’t that be a refreshing twist?” He poured some water from a pitcher and offered the glass to Cassie. She accepted. He poured another for himself.

Father Mac waited for Cassie to share her thoughts, rather than trying to pry them from her. “I think you’ve only added more commotion in my head. I came here asking how to choose between loving myself or someone else. And now you say I should be worrying about a third person? God?”

“There is no conflict, dear girl. What’s best for God is also what’s best for you. And for Mary. How could it be otherwise? If God lives in each one of us, then how could anything good for God not also be good for us?”

“Cassandra, remember this: Your soul is the voice of God, and it has a single agenda, your spiritual well-being. Keep in mind that God is Love. He gave us His only son, Jesus, as the utmost expression of that Love. But God is pure Love. That’s His energy. The Energy that permeates every nook and cranny of the Universe. Of both and spiritual realms.”

“Okay…”

“God needs us because he acts through us. God doesn’t build a skyscraper, write a concerto, or negotiate peace between nations. We humans do all of that, but on God’s behalf. We do His work. And we can know what He is counting on us to do by simply listening to the guidance that vibrates from our souls.”

“But—”

“Before I lose you,” he said, smiling through twinkling Irish eyes, “we must not obstruct God’s work. We must not be a boulder in His river. Our assignment is to help advance His causes.”

“You mean like spreading the Good Word?” Cassie asked.

“No, that’s my job. Not yours,” he joked swiftly. “Besides, words are poor substitutes for the real thing, acts of love. When we spread love, we are spreading God.” He paused to let the message sink in.

“Now, let’s return to your dilemma. On the surface, devoting some portion of your life to your sister’s well-being would be a glorious expression of love. No?”

“That’s my point! I think I should accept her offer.”

“Not so fast, young lady. You know what Zero Sum theory is?” She didn’t. “It’s a situation where, for one guy to win, another must lose. One’s plus equals another’s minus.”

“Well, isn’t that how life mostly is?” Cassie asked.

“Perhaps. But with that kind of attitude, practices like charity, generosity, patience, sharing, and such are discouraged. Why should I give to a homeless person my hard-earned money when that means less in my pocketbook?”

“Well, I know a lot of people who think that way. A lot of politicians.”

“For God, though, there is Zero Sum mentality. God is infinitely abundant. More than enough to go around for everyone. It’s all about Love, my child. You’ve heard it said that love is the one thing you can give away and still have. Does that sound like Zero Sum?”

Cassie interrupted. “So, when we help others, we are helping God because God resides in others. And we’re also helping ourselves, for the same reason. I think I get it. If we are spreading love, then we are doing God’s work.”

“Good! Now, think of it as swimming with the current, not against it,” Father Mac added. “When we oppose God, when we dare to swim against His current, life becomes very difficult. Painful, draining, defeating, depressing, frightening. So, Rule #1 is to swim with the current.”

“How can I know when I’m rowing with the current, not against it?” Cassie asked.

“The answer’s delightfully simple. Just pay attention to your emotions.” She looked lost again. “If you find yourself feeling angry, jealous, resentful, bitter, greedy, selfish, depressed, lonely, abandoned, you’re rowing against the current.  Anyone with such negativity must not believe that God is within him. If he did, he’d possess an attitude of Spiritual Prosperity, not Spiritual Poverty. Does this make sense?”

“I think it does. But, if you won’t get upset, I still don’t see how this answers my question about Frostburg. Should I accept the offer?”

“I’m afraid that question is one for you, not me, to answer. Hint: Remember what Aunt Ruth discussed with you. That you and Mary are very different personalities, living very different lives, and having very different beliefs and values.”

“Yes. Whatever solution might work for me may not work for Mary. I can’t apply my values and beliefs to her. She must work within her own value system. She has her very own soul to guide her. She must work through these things on her own.”

 “You’ve heard about tough love, right?” she nodded. “Good! Because sometimes the greatest love is to withhold love. In the Bible, it says that the Good Lord helps those who help themselves. If someone isn’t willing to help themselves, then God needs for them to come to their awareness of need.”

Father Mac needed to get back to the parish. “There are some things that we must do for ourselves. I can’t swallow for you. Breathe for you. Most of all, I cannot choose for you. If I force my choice on you, then it remains my choice, not yours.”

“I remember you saying this before. Every human being is on a spiritual journey of discovery. You can’t discover for me. And I can’t discover for Mary.”

“Listen to your Aunt Ruth. She’s a very wise woman. Choose from a balanced spirit. Trust your heart but use your head. The Bible directs us to give to the widow. What if you give charity to a widow and she blows it all at the casino?”

“I’d stop immediately.”

“Of course, you would. Because you use your head, not just your heart. Now, you should also call on your soul for guidance. You should pray, or meditate, and then come to a decision. So, to see if you get all of this, what is the answer about Frostburg?” Father McMurphy was more than pleased when Cassie answered, “I need to care about my sister because God cares about her. And God is inside of me, and He acts through me. But I must also use my brain, and not waste my compassion on someone who is not ready. How will I know whether Mary is ready or not? Answer – drum roll – I must pray on it.”